Poem: When the wind blows, let it come, stay, and leave. When a feeling of longing comes, let it come, stay and leave. Pain will come. It will stay and live. It will live, then leave.
Hae Soo: This poem is really great. Jang Jae Yeol, like this poem, everything will pass.
Damn, I knew Gong Hyo Jin and Jo In Sung were good but I didn’t know they were this good. They portrayed the pain of their characters so well; it’s unbelievable. Like seriously, tear my heart out why don’t you?
In particular, the scene that turned me into a ball of emotions was the scene where Hae Soo snuck in to see Jae Yeol. Anyone who has watched the episode knows exactly why. After being forcibly admitted to the hospital, Jae Yeol has been prevented from seeing Hae Soo since her presence triggers his schizophrenic episodes/makes them worse. This separation lasted for more than two weeks, which for our lovebirds probably felt like an eternity. It was so sweet that Hae Soo slept in the hospital this entire time, not wanting to stay too far from Jae Yeol. When Hae Soo finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to see him, against the advise of a psychiatric resident, their reunion was simply heartbreaking. Jae Yeol’s difficulty getting his words out and both of their emotional break downs was hard to watch.
Hae Soo: You look good.
Jae Yeol: Words…Words won’t come to me that well. It’s hard to walk, too.
Hae Soo: It’s because of the medication.
Jae Yeol: I want to see you, but suddenly get sleepy.
Hae Soo: Just wait a little bit. Later, it won’t be like that.
Jae Yeol: Even now, seeing you in a while, I want to make you laugh, but I don’t know how to make you laugh. I can’t think of any words.
Hae Soo: Later, you’ll be able to.
Jae Yeol: I want to hug you, but I don’t think I can. I’m not sexy, huh? [Hae Soo hugs him] Hae Soo-ah.
Hae Soo: Yeah?
Jae Yeol: Let…me out. Here…I…don’t feel like myself. [Looks towards Kang Woo] If seeing Kang Woo is a disorder, then I will fix it on my own will. Trust me, and let me out. I won’t see Kang Woo ever again. Being here, I feel so small. I don’t like this feeling. Let…me out. [Hae Soo kisses him] Sh-should I not say these kinds of things? Then…will you leave?
Hae Soo: I’ll be back again.
Jae Yeol: If I hold onto you, then they’ll inject me with medication again, right?
Hae Soo: You have to trust me. Kang Woo is a hallucination. I’m real. There is a limit to medication. Even if you see Kang Woo, you have to know that it’s a hallucination to fix your disorder. You have to know that Kang Woo is a reflection of yourself that you created. Finding that illusion and the contradiction isn’t done by doctors, but by you.
Jae Yeol: I’ll find it at home.
Hae Soo: even if I go out, don’t call for me. That’s how I can come back to you again.
Jae Yeol: Hae Soo. Hae Soo-ah… Hae Soo-ah… Hae Soo-ah… Hae Soo-ah…
The way Jae Yeol looked at her when she first entered the room was filled with such love and longing. Hae Soo, ever the strong one, had to try her darndest not to break down in front of Jae Yeol even though you can see that every fiber of her being wanted to hold him and let it all out. The saddest part of their whole exchange had to be Jae Yeol’s pleas for Hae Soo to let him go home since in the hospital, he feels so small and not at all like himself. It was so difficult to watch how listless he became after he was hospitalized and how much of his usual confidence and eloquence was lost.
Interestingly, after Hae Soo left, Jae Yeol kept calling her name and ignored Kang Woo’s presence. Is this the first step to healing? How wonderful is it that his love for Hae Soo is helping him find the will to overcome his illness? It was her presence also that allowed him to fall asleep, however shortly, on a bed.
I’m so glad that Jae Yeol has such a solid circle of support around him because we see how cruel society can be through Hae Soo’s family’s disapproval of Jae Yeol. Hae Soo’s mom and sister liked him so much before when they thought he was “normal” but now that he is sick, they abandon him. A part of me understands where Hae Soo’s family is coming from in wanting Hae Soo to break up with Jae Yeol. They want to protect her and they don’t want her to live with the responsibility of taking care of a “patient” for the rest of her life like how mom did with dad. After having experienced it they think that it would be too much for Hae Soo to handle and will only cause her great suffering. Mom wants Hae Soo to have what she couldn’t have; a happy, carefree life. However, Hae Soo is a grown woman and she should be able to make her own decisions when it comes to love and life. The girl’s a psychiatrist for crying out loud and has a good head on her shoulders. [Aside: mom slapping Hae Soo made me seriously angry. Arggh.]
Of course, their reaction towards Jae Yeol having schizophrenia is a classic example of how people fail to understand mental illness and therefore fear it. I’m especially fond of the way this show tries to normalize mental illness and its portrayal of how flawed society’s fear and ignorance of mental illness is. This prejudice is what makes people who need help feel small and worthless. When really, they are suffering from a sickness of the heart and mind, just like how everyone suffers physical illnesses of the body.
We also get to learn what Hae Soo wanted to tell Jae Yeol after their first night together and as expected, even after he heard it, Jae Yeol still loves her. His unwavering love and understanding is beautiful and is a glimpse of the love and understanding Hae Soo shows Jae Yeol as he go through his difficult time.
Jae Yeol: Remember? On our first night at the beach, why you cried, what you were thinking about, you said that you would tell me later. After listening to your story, if I still told you that I love you, only then, you said you would believe that I really love you. And that you would tell me that you love me.
Hae Soo: Today, I’ll tell you what I couldn’t say then. After listening to all of my story, I’m afraid that you’ll love all of your affection for me. But I’ll tell you.
Jae Yeol: If it’s hard, don’t, Hae Soo-ah.
Hae Soo: No, I want to. I’m always strong, vicious, and selfish, but at the very least, to you, I think I can fall. To me, that’s what love is. [awwwwwww] It was my senior year of high school. There was a call made to my school saying that my dad was at the emergency room. I wasn’t even that surprised. This had happened multiple times before. As I ran to the hospital, what I wished for was that my dad wasn’t alive. But my dad lived again. I wasn’t happy. I felt like everything was back to where it started. [Flashback to young Hae Soo calling president Kim asking why he isn’t meeting mom and what about college] So mom and president Kim started meeting again. I sold mom to president Kim like that, and I went to medical school.
Jae Yeol: I love you.
Hae Soo: I love you a lot.
Jae Yeol: I love you, Hae Soo-ah. I love you a lot.
This episode also required a lot less hypothesizing on my part since we had Jo sunbae to do a bit of exposition about Jae Yeol’s hallucination and his sudden onset of ALS. Which, totally called it. *Gives self congratulatory pat on the back*
Jo sunbae: His Lou Gehrig’s is a delusional pain disorder created subconsciously ad shared between him and Han Kang Woo. It’s an example that shows the weakness of the mind controlling the body…Putting together all of the situations until now, Jang Jae Yeol’s reality testing is completely broken into pieces. Patient, Jang Jae Yeol, as soon as he received the wound after his brother’s release three years ago, probably subconsciously realized that his brother’s resentment would never fade unless he died. That’s when he first hallucinated Kang Woo. Then his subconscious started writing a scenario that would, in the end, lead to his death using Kang Woo. Dying while saving Kang Woo. His subconscious chose an accident rather than a suicide because an accident would cause less pain for his mom, whom he loves. And he probably thought that would be the best way to compensate his brother who unfairly lived in prison for 14 years. In addition, it is a perfect scenario to keep his mother in a dissociated state forever.
*tears* Seriously, hope hyung will let go of his resentment soon and be there for Jae Yeol and his mom.
Jae Yeol’s continued resistance to believe that Kang Woo is a hallucination is disheartening but let’s hope he’ll come to terms with it soon. (well with 2 episodes left, he kind of has to…)
[watches CCTV footage of fight with Kang Woo’s dad and from the night of the accident]
Jo sunbae: The reason why we forcibly admitted you, do you understand now? Because you continue getting hurt, there was no other way. [Shows Jae Yeol evidence pictures from step-dad’s murder trial]
Jae Yeol: [Thinks back to seeing mom light newspaper on fire] Mom hasn’t done anything wrong. Mom didn’t do anything wrong.
Jo sunbae: I know.
Jae Yeol: Hyung is pitiful. I…I…
Jo sunbae: Jae Yeol-ah, where is Kang Woo right now?
[Jae Yeol looks toward windows]
Jo sunbae: Is Kang Woo here? [Jae Yeol nods] This is a hospital and a place where regular civilians can’t enter. Why would Kang Woo be here? Jae Yeol-ah, why? I can’t see him, but you see him. A moment ago, in the video, Kang Woo wasn’t there, but you saw him again. Does something seem weird? [Jae Yeol nods] It is weird, but you’re saying you think Kang Woo is there. Then what is Kang Woo? Is it something fake that your mind created?
Jae Yeol: Kang Woo is real. Kang Woo only believes in me. If I’m not there, then Kang Woo doesn’t have anyone. Everyone is uncomfortable about someone who doesn’t have anything and neglects him.
Jo sunbae: Do you think I would do the same? Hae Soo, too?
Jae Yeol: Hae Soo, I miss her.
Jo sunbae: When you and your mom were getting beaten up, were people like that? Uncomfortable and neglecting.
Jae Yeol: To Hyung, too.
Jo sunbae: Then Jae Yeol-ah, is Kang Woo, you?
Jae Yeol: No. Kang Woo is Kang Woo.
After watching the CCTV footage and seeing how worried and how much Hae Soo cried because of him [which random CCTV close up much?], there was a peculiar moment where Jae Yeol was in his room and thought back Hae Soo’s many pessimistic statements about love when it came to Hye Jin and Yoon Cheol. How she thought that it would be hard for them to endure even with love and how she doesn’t think they’ll stay together forever. I’m curious to know what Jae Yeol was thinking there. Does he think that Hae Soo will leave him?
Anyway, this episode was amazing and I can’t believe we only have 2 episodes left. What am I going to do?!?!?
Episode 15 Preview:
Come on Jae Yeol, you can do this!
And this song isn’t part of the soundtrack but I love it and I find that it suits the theme of this episode perfectly: