Before you go all “Why are you proclaiming yourselves as being sharp?” on us, allow me to explain that the “sharp” part, more than being a display of cockiness on our behalf, is in fact a not-so-subtle pun on our K-drama of the day, called “Iron Man”. It’s an upcoming show that will take over the slot previously occupied by Joseon Gunman, starting September 10th. It tells the story of a rich man difficult to deal with, who suddenly gets the ability of sprouting knives from his body. Let this be a lesson to all those wishing to have a supernatural power: be specific! Anyway, this peculiar plot sparked quite the discussion between me and DP…
DP: Have you heard of the ridiculous show called “Iron Man”?
BUTICUT: Nope! What’s so ridiculous about it?
DP: Hahaha, this show is about a guy who has sooo much emotional pain, that he has knives sprouting from his body. He’s supposed to be a superhero or something. Just watch this preview:
BUTICUT: What is this? Ok, I’m in!
DP: I don’t know why in the world LDW would sign onto this show, like how did it get green-lit? Two other actors passed and he was like: “This sounds promising!” ??
BUTICUT: It looks hilarious in a cringe-worthy way. When is it starting?
DP: After this week, JG has 2 episodes left.
BUTICUT: I will totally watch this!
DP: Seriously?!? It looks sooooo bad.
BUTICUT: That’s why. MARK MY WORDS, it’s gonna be hilarious!
DP: I bet it’s going to be so ridiculous it eventually becomes hilarious, since the show will aim for seriousness or something. The look on his face as the knives sprout out…I can’t even.
BUTICUT: …and the memory of his one true love. Or whatever. Who is too busy shouting at some dude. And tearfully trying to heal his wounds.
I wonder how he sleeps. I picture him having a nightmare, waking up all sweaty and screaming NOOOOOOOOOO!! *knives come out*
DP: Worst superhero power ever!
BUTICUT: It’s like sleeping on a bed of nails. And it doesn’t help if he gets a back itch.
DP: But once the pain of the knives coming out of his body subsides, he should be used to it or something, right?
BUTICUT: Yeah, he will eventually become immune to the pain, so I don’t see the drama. It would be cool if he could actually take them out and throw them like daggers, otherwise he’s just a human cactus.
DP: Bloody mess! And maybe, depending on the level of emotional pain = feel of physical pain.
BUTICUT: Because they ALWAYS go hand in hand.
BUTICUT: My body is weak if my lover dumps me for someone without blades. I will be all over this, recapping it.
DP: You’ll probably be the only one doing it, unless others are also in for the crazy ride.
BUTICUT: At least the WTF factor is worth it.
DP: TOO MUCH PAIN…from laughing!
DP: We should make a guess on the premiere rating.
BUTICUT: Sky-high, of course!
DP: The cactus is so funny and fitting! That should totally be, like, inserted into a recap. Just randomly. All the time.
BUTICUT: That’s going to be his nickname. Cactus man. I’m so mean.
DP: Okay, I’ll be following this show through your recaps, because no way can I actually watch it!
BUTICUT: Poor guy having to cope with all the angst and I’m making fun of him.
DP: But his angst is going to be so funny, especially since LDW overacts quite a bit!
BUTICUT: You have no feels! This is a bit random, but as I am preparing myself to live on my own, do you know what I am reading about?
DP: How to protect yourself from knife-wielding maniac who knocks on door at night?
BUTICUT: Not quite, although I don’t think he KNOCKS. He just…ENTERS. Heeeeere’s Johnny! I am actually looking for solutions on how to effectively kill spiders. They creep me out. Replace “kill” with “remove”, to make this post more animal-friendly.
DP: With knives, obviously! Preferably if you can just grab one from your own body.
BUTICUT: But then, you might ruin the owner’s table or something.
DP: The owner will feel sorry for you, since you do have knives protruding from you.
DP: It’s enough punishment.
BUTICUT: He might even give me a pat on my back. Oh no, wait!
DP: Blood everywhere! Instead of Cactus Man, you’ll be known as “unintentional murderer”. *EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIES!*
BUTICUT: *I AM CURSED!!! FML!!*
DP: I totally see the Korean writers watching X-Men and going like: “Hey, we should create a character like Wolverine, except with a twist! The public will love it. We’ll get like…40% ratings. And win all the awards!”
I say 6.8% for the debut. So optimistic.
DP: Hmm, the tricky thing about the premiere is that some people might tune in to see how crazy the show is, but by episode 2, I’m predicting 4% and below.
BUTICUT: Whoa, that’s harsh. You will make him cry.
DP: Cry –> knives out of body. So much hurt from all directions!
BUTICUT: “Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more!”.
DP: He could fall in love with a sadistic lady who tries to get the knives to come out on purpose!
BUTICUT: Or maybe with a circus lady who wants him as a knife-throwing partner, but he is reluctant, so she pisses him off and BAM!
BUTICUT: Crazy thought of the day. What if…*gasp* the show is actually good? Apart from, you know, the friggin’ knives.
DP: Um, that’s like, the whole show! People will be watching for the knives. If we’re denied that, imma be pissed. False advertising! Speaking of which, where’s the IRON?!?! He’s just man!
BUTICUT: Man. Cactus Man.
My name’s Man.
*knives shoot out*
He will have to tell villains to wait while he reels from the pain.
BUTICUT: Yeah, like a Hulk!
HOLD STILL WHILE I BECOME ALL GREEN.
Ok, done, thank you for your patience.
All these months trying to get me on a K-drama bandwagon after my God’s Gift PTSD…and it’s THIS!
DP: Fate! You wanted to do the “I watched it, so that you don’t have to” segment.
BUTICUT: So fitting!
DP: Here people can just read your recaps to see what ridiculous thing happens next, just for fun! Now I want this show to air like…now, just to hear what people have to say about it!
BUTICUT: These 9 days until the premiere will feel like an eternity. I will refresh for the sub progress like mad!
DP: Like me for IOIL. 6%…45%…88%
BUTICUT: Yeah! OMG 99% !!!!!!!! Eeeeeeeek!
DP: You can probably watch at 87%, since, who are we kidding, we’re not there for the dialogue, unless it’s as ridiculous as the premise. Which, actually, it might be. Imagine them talking about the knives coming out of his body. The explanation they’ll give is going to be hilarious.
BUTICUT: Maybe a venomous spider bit him or he was exposed to some radiations.
DP: “Ever since he was a kid, when he ate that knife, this has been happening”. Or he’s a survivor, like Wolverine.
BUTICUT: There’s the cinematic Iron Man and the Man of Steel. That would be a great double billing…PLUS, an exclusive look at Cactus Man. So, so heartless.
DP: No, I’d say we’re just being realistic about the future of this show.
BUTICUT: I bet his whole body is bruised, because he accidentally cut himself multiple times. Like Edward’s face in “Edward Scissorhands”. And he will try to cover the wounds with Avon products.
DP: But it probably won’t matter, since his body will heal itself rapidly. It has to, from all those knives popping out of his body all the time.
BUTICUT: TWIST: He’s a reptile! It would be funny if they wouldn’t actually bother with an explanation for the knives. HE JUST HAS THEM. Deal with it.
DP: Haha, no way, this is a K-drama, has to have a painful backstory, so that we can empathize with the hero. I wonder which companies will be crazy enough to sponsor this show.
BUTICUT: Samsung! It’s always Samsung with their waterproof phones!
DP: Maybe scratch resistant to knives as well now. I can see them using brick phones because no phone company will sponsor them. And they’ll just go: “Uhhh, we’re set in the 90s, didn’t you know?”
BUTICUT: Groundbreaking! They will totally have the rotary dial ones, so that he can actually use them with the blades. I am guessing our hero won’t drive a car either? Imagine getting all worked up in traffic, although the blades come in handy if you want to deflate the tires of your pesky neighbor.
DP: He’s supposedly really rich, so he probably has a chauffeur.
BUTICUT: Wait, scratch that. We saw him climbing on that building. That will be his mode of transport.
DP: He’s seriously like Bruce Wayne. Umm, well, not exactly like, but you know…
BUTICUT: So brooding! His knives will be his dirty secret or what?
DP: Well, if he’s a hero, other people probably don’t know about it? I kind of don’t know what this drama is about.
BUTICUT: I think he will just be some melancholic dude. Have you seen this image?
TWIST: Now he turns around. Blood everywhere!
DP: He also has a bodyguard!
BUTICUT: Oh, that’s so romantic! But wait, shouldn’t it be the other way around? He’s all spiky, why would he need a bodyguard?
DP: This show makes no sense. I would probably prefer a bromance over the actual romance.
BUTICUT: Bromance over flowers.
DP: Haha, Na PD will steal that idea! But I think a show like “Romance Over Flowers” where you send couples on trips together would be really fun. Na PD, you can take that idea for free. Like LBY and JS and LGW and his wife or Lee Seung-gi and Yoona or other real-life couples. Oh, the possibilities.
BUTICUT: If it’s a cruise, it’s the true relationship test. When the bathroom is next to the dormitory and you hear sounds…that’s when you know you found your one true love right there, right then.
DP: Why is Na PD not making this right now?!?!?!
BUTICUT: NEED IT!!
DP: I really do!
BUTICUT: We are totally making a new show thanks to Cactus dude.
DP: So inspirational, this cactus man. Maybe that’s his real power, to inspire others.
BUTICUT: Yeah, helping everybody embrace who they are and learning to live with their quirkiness.
DP: No matter how painful!
BUTICUT: Even if this means changing sheets every day because he rips them.
Ok, now this picture totally took me to a dirty place! How does the guy have sex??
BUTICUT: So straightforward! He’s asexual.
DP: Poor girl!
BUTICUT: One night with him would be as wild as you can get. And for once, he wouldn’t doubt it if the girl would say: “I’ve never had sex like this in my entire life!”
DP: Maybe that’s his hidden pain. He ain’t been getting any action.
DP: Haha, these things are sooo perfect!
BUTICUT: Will his blades oxidize?
DP: If the blades do oxidize…tetanus! Dun dun dun!
BUTICUT: So he will probably dread the rain. SO SAD!
DP: He’s such a tragic cactus.
BUTICUT: Oh, the internal bleeding. Everything will be bleeding – his skin, his organs, his freakin’ soul!!
DP: SO DRAMATIC! Maybe that’ll bring in the ratings?
BUTICUT: Eh, it wouldn’t last for long. At first, people might tune in for curiosity, but then, they’ll get bored.
DP: I don’t think “bored” will be the right word.
BUTICUT: I bet there will be a lot of shirtless action. Looking at his blades in the mirror. And crying.
DP: He does have a nice bod. That will be the draw: abs and tears.
BUTICUT: And rust. And scars. And bleeding. Lots of bleeding.
DP: I can’t believe we are having a whole conversation about Cactus Man.
BUTICUT: On the plus side, I bet the drama will have a good moral: “Be happy or else you might end up with scars all over your body because some blades are popping out. Totally random.”
DP: Or there’s not going to be any moral at all.
BUTICUT: Imagine if they will actually justify the blades on some heartbreak:
SHE LEFT ME FOR THE POSTMAN!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*Suddenly, blades are penetrating his skin*
What is this sorcery? I’m a superhero now! OMG yay! Let’s climb the Empire State Building. But wait, I’m supposed to be sad. Oh, the angst! *cries in a corner*
BEST. SHOW. EVER.
DP: How can you keep this “power” hidden?
BUTICUT: By staying happy, I guess?
DP: He’s in his CEO meeting and then we hear blades penetrating his skin.
BUTICUT: Or maybe his bodyguard will tackle him to the ground to keep his secret safe…
DP: …and die in the process.
DP: Stab wounds all over!
BUTICUT: He was a nice, muscular chap!
Imagine during a meeting: “Sir, our stock price has just dropped”
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Everyone is thinking this is a disaster waiting to happen.
BUTICUT: How strange!
DP: Yeah, why would anyone think that?
BUTICUT: But it’s so unfair!! Finally, they try to be innovative and have a man climb a building using his knives and nobody appreciates the creative effort. The first Korean superhero. Boo!
DP: Maybe it would have worked if he was a bad-ass assassin who climbed buildings with knives that don’t sprout from his body. We did have Do Min Joon though. He was awesome-sauce!
BUTICUT: Doesn’t count. We need a last Avenger. By the way, someone should totally prank Cactus Man and put this song on his playlist:
DP: This show needs to air like…now! Or extended preview, please!
BUTICUT: Soon, soon…
DP: Here’s the synopsis:
Joo Hong Bin: A heartless and fearless man. He’s a smart, wealthy, prickly man who suddenly develops the ability to sprout iron from his body due to his painful heart and faces hardships for the first time in his life, he gets this power because of all the pain he carries in his heart, and discovers love and grows up along the way.
Song Hae Kyo: The heroine is a meddlesome sort who loves the hero and takes it upon herself to turn him into a real man.
BUTICUT: PRICKLY! *dying* Someone is taking things waaaaay too literally.
DP: Heartless man —> painful heart causes knives to sprout. LOL, say what?
And here’s the poster:
BUTICUT: Wait, so he’ll morph into a mummy as well? Where’s the blood from all the wounds? I feel cheated. Is this for realz? Ok, so he did get pissed because his gal ran away or something. But fear not, the heroine will turn him into a REAL MAN. A REAL MAN.
DP: And why is there only, like, 5 knives from his back?? Why not his face and other areas as well? Who wants to be a real man when you can be Iron Man???
BUTICUT: My dirty mind can’t handle “other areas”. But face too beautiful and abs took too much time to develop.